This week marks a momentous occasion. After many long years of struggle, after thousands of hours of hard work, Alaska changes this week. Holy Sinsemilla! What, you thought the Betster meant Feb. 24, when marijuana became legal? No, no, we’re talking the retirement of McKibben Jackinsky, Homer’s hardest working reporter.
With all the weird weather back east, Homerites have been tempted to gloat. It’s 19 degrees in Washington, D.C., and look — it’s 40 degrees here. Or, Boston has 8 feet of snow, and here we have barely a half inch on the ground. The Betster fully understands this temptation, but here’s the caution.
Paybacks can be deadly.
Remember the winter of 2012-2013? Remember when snow piled up so high second-story balconies turned into front porches? Remember that winter when the harbor froze so much we had to postpone the Winter King Salmon Tournament?
The Betster has been in Homer so long that when typing the word “home,” inevitably a finger taps an extra “r” so the sentence comes out like “Homer is where the heart is.” Isn’t that a bumper sticker? Do other people have this issue?
This week we had an important celestial event: Groundhog Day, or as we call it in Alaska, Marmot Day. Monday was the day when all America watched to see if groundhogs cast a shadow. In Sun Prairie, Wis., Jimmy, the groundhog mascot, bit Mayor Jonathan Freund on the ear. There have been some fierce conversations at Homer City Council meetings, but to the Betster’s knowledge, no one has ever bit the mayor.
The Betster always finds the Lower 48 response to a big East Coast blizzard amusing. If a winter storm that in Alaska we’d call “a minor irritation” threatens the Northeast, people go into full-on snowpocalypse mode. Well, some people. The Betster knows most seasoned New Englanders react like Alaskans. Snow? In winter? What’s the big deal?
If you looked up in the sky lately and can see past the downtown light pollution, you might have noticed a big fuzzy dot near the constellation Orion. That would be Comet Lovejoy, a comet discovered last fall by Terry Lovejoy. Find a comet and you get it named after you. It’s the fifth comet that Lovejoy’s discovered.
We American journalists like to think we’re tough. Cover up a political scandal and we’ll go all Woodward and Bernstein on ya. We dig into stories, not afraid to offend politicians and ask hard questions. Sure, one Alaska journalist got handcuffed once, but last week the cartoonists and staff of “Charlie Hebdo” set a new standard of heroism. Gunmen burst into their Paris offices and shot dead 12 people, including two police guarding them.
Thanks to the services of the U.S. Government, and in particular the Naval Observatory, we’ve figured out how to compile sunrise-sunset and hours of daylight tables for Homer. We might complain about the feds, but now and then they do stuff right. Navigational charts, buoys, rescuing mariners on sinking boats, tide charts and astronomical tables: yeah, your tax dollars do work sometimes.
We’ve been working hard here at the Homer News, putting out not just this issue, but our super-mega-ginormous 50th anniversary edition, publishing Jan. 1. If you see one of us wandering around with a deer-in-the-headlights look, we’ve just stared down an 18-wheeler truck and jumped off the highway at the last minute.
Now comes the time in the holiday season when ... well, don’t panic. OK, panic. See the date at the top of the page? It’s Dec. 18, seven days before Christmas. Oh, sure, if you’re a guy, you’re saying, “Plenty of time,” but more organized people in the world have suddenly realized time’s a wastin’.
Saturday will be the end of an era, Betsteroids. That’s right. On 12/13/14 it will be the last day this century when the date will be three consecutive numbers. That’s assuming you abbreviate the year and don’t use the European method of writing dates with the year first, as in 14/12/13. Ever since Jan. 2, 2003, or 1/2/03, we’ve had a run of similar patterns. We also had 12/12/12, 11/11/11 and so on. Consider it a little bonus for living at the start of the new millennium.
Over the Betster’s decades in Alaska, yours truly has learned a few tricks about living in the Last Frontier. First, don’t get all cocky even if you have lived here 35 years or longer — not even if you were born here. Even the most seasoned Alaskans know that Alaska can humble you quicker than you can say “moose crossing the road on black ice.” Hmm. That could be the title of a Japanese brush painting.
The holiday season seems to mess up time. People used to celebrating holidays in chronological order — first Halloween, then Thanksgiving and then Christmas — can just forget about that. Starting in October, it’s like time has been put in a blender and pureed.
Holy relativity! In that new science fiction movie, “Interstellar,” an astronaut travels so fast through space time moves more slowly for him. This leads to all sorts of plot complications, like the astronaut’s daughter aging faster than dad. That would mess up the family dynamics, eh?
The other day the Betster searched fruitlessly in email for an important document. After about 20 minutes, the Betster smacked forehead into palm and realized, Oops, that document had been faxed. You know — it existed only in dead tree format. Weird.
If it seems like the world has gotten dimmer, don’t despair, Betsteroids. Last week the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced that the universe is brighter than we thought. Observations from the Cosmic Infrared Background Experiment have detected more infrared light in the dark space between galaxies. Scientists now think the space between galaxies is filled with stars flung adrift by galactic tidal forces, kind of like driftwood logs cast up on beaches.
In this week’s election, some estimated that backers of Mark Begich or Dan Sullivan spent $50 million on the U.S. Senate race. That’s about $200 a voter, or the price of a 23-year-old Highland Park single-malt Scotch whisky. More practically, $50 million is Homer’s general budget for five years or the cost of five HERC buildings.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Just when you thought it was OK to go out of the house, oh my, our town is about to be invaded by unimaginable horrors. Yes, it’s that time of year, Betsteroids — election season. Well, that and Halloween. Consider the parallels:
People disguised as something they may not be knock on your doors;
Said people plea for treats they wish you to give them, and depending on their doorstep street theater, said people may leave you slightly scared or somewhat amused.
Let us pause now and consider the glory of sunrises and sunsets. Holy electromagnetic spectrum! Have we been having some awesome turnings of the planet recently. Except for those bright summer days where the sun barely rises and sets, Alaska can be counted on to deliver respectable sun shows. October has given us some shows that would make the tourists in Mallory Square, Key West, Fla., drop their margaritas.
The Betster deeply regrets last week’s mention of The Precipitation That Will Not Be Named. Apparently, even not saying a certain word wasn’t enough to keep that event from happening.
But what did you expect, Betsteroids? It’s mid-October. By this time of year as the daylight hours fade and temperatures dip into the 20s, events associated with such conditions happen. Don’t like it? Move to Portland, where you can experience bone-numbing, wet rain, but usually not TPTWNBN.
If you happened to be cruising the Homer hillside on Sunday, you might have seen little white flakes fluttering down from the sky. No, that was not a jet spilling corn starch, but The Precipitation Whose Name We Dare Not Speak. The weekend forecast calls for more of The Precipitation Whose Name We Dare Not Speak, but only in amounts less than a quarter-inch. In Florida they call that a natural disaster, but to Alaskans that’s just a minor inconvenience.