Anyway, here's the final question and answer column for 2003 gleaned from the archives of inquires from the relative sane.

Question: "Wild Willie seems like a likable loon who seems to need everything including a brain transplant. What do you get a guy like that for Christmas?"

K.B. Anchor Point

Answer: A Get Out Jail Free card.

Q: How do you keep your buddy Turk from wringing Willie's neck?"

J.W. Soldotna

A: Who says I have?

Statement: "There are those of us in the local writing community who believe that the 'Nick C. Varney' nomenclature is a pseudonym. It is surmised that 'his' eclectic stories are progenies from the minds of various serious authors who would otherwise disdain being associated with humorous anecdotes that could possibly tarnish their staid reputations. After all of these years, the Homer News should own up to the fact."

N.L. Homer

A: Bite me.

Q: "How is your dog Howard getting along with your new mini mutt, Little Bear?"

P.F. Valdez

A: It was a rough start due to the dynamic doggie differentials such as size, personal hygiene, intelligence, feeding habits and overall public opinion about the mutts. At first, we thought that Little Bear would have a positive influence on Howard. Well, she had as much impact on cleaning up the act of the degenerate reprobate as I would clearing the ice off the Sterling Highway with a Bic lighter. She's one of those little balls of fur that everyone "ooohs and aaahs" over at first sight. He's a grotesque mat of fur that people mistake for an enormous heap of carelessly discarded and nasty looking moose hide until he moves and scares the hell out of them. She's bright and learns quickly. His brain gives new meaning to the technical term, "inert mass." She daintily picks nuggets out of her bowl, quietly chews each morsel and is economical to feed. He engulfs massive meals faster than a nuclear powered wet<>vac, sounds like a tree shredder and has monthly meal requirements that are measured by the herd rather than the bag. The cost of keeping the beast is rivaled only by the fed's Homeland Security Budget.

Q. We read your rant about the bobber line snagging scofflaws working the Fishing Hole last summer. It was funny stuff but why in the heck do the Fish and Game gurus let that sort of disgusting practice go on?

H.T.P. Anchorage

A. I've thought long and hard about this problem and have actually dedicated several blocks of seconds to trying to come up with answers and a viable solution. First of all, I think that the only reason the bureaucrats allow the "legalized snagging" is because it's the only way that certain officials can catch a fish for themselves without using trawling gear at the mouth of The Hole. Having said that and, after deep and insightful contemplation, I suggest the following compromise. This year, the north side of the lagoon should be designated as the "Half-A- Hole for the Angling Impaired". It will be an "anything goes" section, allowing tactics up to and including trained fish retrieval seals, small skiffs with depth charge capabilities, U-Rent 100,000-watt salmon prods and 12-foot set nets. The south end will be proclaimed a basic skills area exclusively reserved for those who still wish to practice actual sport fishing via spinning tackle and bait casting. I figure Juneau will jump at this proposition. It makes more sense that what they're doing now, even though it's nonsense.

Finally, I would like to address a missive from Lucy M. of Seattle Washington who seems to be deeply worried about my wife Jane.

"Dear Nick, I have been married for 36 years, raised nine children along with multiple dogs and cats. We have had our share of weird friends and experiences but have never come close to the chaos that seems to permeate your lifestyle. How does your poor wife cope with it all"?

A: Cope with what? She was raised with so many brothers and sisters that the State of Ohio designated their farm as a minor municipality. If you think things are chaotic around here, back home her family had its own police force. During the last 25 years, her kindred have multiplied so much that they've become the state's National Guard. If we lived near them now and wanted to host a family reunion, we'd have to rent out a national park in Canada. Other than a few minor nervous tics, she seems to being doing just fine, thank you.

Gotta go. Thanks for all of the letters gang. Keep them coming. Maybe, together, we can find the help that you require.

Nick can be reached at wufferdawg@hotmail.com