Gosh dang it, that pineapple express heat wave sure has frayed our nerves. What with ice slabs melting and causing The Big Tin Roof Avalanche That Ate Detroit, wiper fluid that wimps out right as you drive through The Lake Street Black Hole and an amusing sheen of water on top of last week's ice, it's a wonder we even survived.

Yeah, there you go. Downshift from "below zero complaints" and shift into the "this is still January and how the heck can it be 35 degrees at midnight?" It's Homer, Alaska, buckaroos, where weather that sticks with you is only advisory. You want consistent weather? Move to Fairbanks.

Inquiring minds sometimes wonder why the Betster always whines about the weather and not about, say, the family troubles of Gov. You Know Who. The Betster will not comment on Gov. You Know Who unless it's actually related to a) something she did regarding governing the state of Alaska, b) something she didn't do but should have done or c) a change in her style of eyeglasses. We have standards here at Betster Central.

Anyhew, the point of this whole back page is to get you excited about all the fun things to do in this small town. The Village Voice doesn't have Best Bets because when you live in New York City, just walking down the street is a Best Bet. We have to get creative here in Slushville, but fear not, the Betsteroid will never let you down and always come up with some ideas of things to do, like these Best Bets:

BEST DON'T PANIC IT'S ORGANIC BET: Everybody loves the popcorn at the Homer Theatre, but tonight they've changed the recipe a bit: organic popcorn. It's all part of a wellness appreciation event sponsored by InnerNature Chiropractic and Smokey Bay Natural Food with a showing of "King Corn," a film about how corn is grown the modern way. The movie starts at 6 p.m.

BEST DRIVE-BY THEATER BET: Yeah, they probably do this in Greenwich Village, but nowhere else can you see high school students in bowler hats discourse on the virtues of carrots at the local grocery store. For years now Homer High's Drama, Debate and Forensics team has been performing random acts of DDF. See their repertoire at 7 p.m. Friday at the Mariner Theatre. Admission is $3 students, $5 adults and supports the team.

BEST WAX POETIC BET: If you've seen the Mariner Ski Team swish down the trails, you know there's poetry in their speed. Last week they had to cancel a meet after their gear got left behind during an evacuation of the high school -- and then they couldn't get back in to retrieve it. If you want to show some love for the team, head out to a fundraiser dinner at 7 p.m. Saturday at The Barn on East End Road. Tickets are $80 for an incredible meal. Call 235-1091 for more information.

BEST DREAM AHEAD BET: If this winter weather has got you pining for summer adventures, Homer Community Schools has the cure for what ails ya. That's right, it's the annual Telluride Mountainfilm Festival, playing two nights next week at the Mariner Theatre. The festival runs 7-9:30 p.m. each night on Tuesday and next Thursday, Jan. 22. Admission is $12 each night and supports Community Schools programs. For more on the fest, see Arts, page 14.

BEST HAIL TO THE CHIEF BET: Every four years we change our leader without benefit of riots in the streets and a coup. Next Tuesday, Barack Obama takes the oath of office. Celebrate democracy and peaceful government change with a nonpartisan Inauguration Party from 5-10 p.m. Tuesday at Alice's Champagne Palace. A $5 donation supports South Peninsula Haven House and the Independent Living Center.