I really hadn't been paying much attention as the first ash started to fall in the area. I had just come back from a friend's cabin and snapped on the tube to catch a basketball playoff game. A while later I received a distress call from Wild Willie.

"&*%^^$$%, Nick," he screeched. "Crud is comin' outta the sky and I fergit what ya told me to do the last time this s&#+ hit."

"Dial it down, Willie, just use some panty hose and a respiratory mask and you'll be fine. Only this time don't wear them into a liquor store. It took me a lot of explaining to get your skinny butt out of the tank without you having to be screened by a pervert shrink."

"Gotcha. Thanks, man. Now I gotsa go herd the neighbors' chickens into the kitchen. Betcha they'll appreciate it."

I never said a word. Willie's a nice guy, but his belt size has a higher digit than his IQ. He's the only guy I know that doesn't consider himself out of work until his unemployment checks run out or if he's in the slam for trying to redistribute the community's wealth again. He's such an Obama policy buff that he tried to join ACORN just so he could vote at least twice. But that's another story.

When I stepped outside, I instantly noticed that my truck was starting to look like some prehistoric Pterodactyl-sized demented seagull had dropped a serious load on the finish and windshield. I was not pleased, but decided to put a positive spin on the overall situation.

Thus the return of Unhinged Alaska's Science Division and a lesson in Volcano 101. Let us begin.

I discovered that Mount Redoubt is what is known as a composite cone or a way-cool stratovolcano. These rock-skinned beasts are noted as the most picturesque but deadliest of the volcano types.

I should have stopped at "picturesque." But no, next came the fact that if they get really pressured they pack a much more serious wallop than their lamer kin, the cinder cones. In fact, it's not unusual to find much smaller cinder cones pimpled along the flanks of these immense stratomegamuthers.

The stratovolcano has steep sides with a distinguishing cone shape and is frequently structured with several different vents that spew nasty stuff such as lava, ash and pyroclastic flows that turn glaciers and gentle woodland creatures into instant stream stew known as lahars. Usually these types of volcanoes erupt explosively and may continue their rude behavior for months.

It turns out that ol' Mount Redoubt seems to major in Plinian eruptions, which can be highly volatile.

An Internet source states: "Plinian eruptions are marked by columns of smoke and ash extending high into the stratosphere. The key characteristics are ejection of large amounts of pumice and very powerful continuous gas blast eruptions."

This is the sort of anti-social behavior that gives Al Gore hives because he can't tax it, trade carbon offset points for it or allow his minions of followers to conduct pollution protests on it without being parboiled into activist ash -- although some of them might consider it an honor to end up floating around in the atmosphere waiting to foul up some dude's or dudette's carburetor.

I've seen Redoubt from the Sterling Highway hundreds of times, but I had no idea that the cantankerous conehead was related to infamous stratovolcano powerhurling Plinian eruptions like Krakatoa, Mount St. Helens and the cranky Mount Vesuvius that flash fried an entire city population. Next time I roll by, I'm keeping a closer eye out for any steamy belches, inappropriate sulfur farts or peculiar bulges.

As for what's happening now with the mountain, there's really not much we can do about it unless someone wants to call Washington, D.C., and request a sacrificial virgin. But you'd better hurry. With what Congress has done and is getting ready to do to us, there won't be an eligible body in the nation.

Just remember outbursts can go on for months and get on your nerves, but you'll have to take Mount Redoubt in stride. As for the other blowhards previously mentioned, just tell them to "put a sock in it" or the only thing they'll ever serve again will come with options such as a Slurpee and a side of fries.

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com if he isn't out peddling his new "Mount Redoubt's A Flaming Ash Hole" T-shirt and hoodie apparel line.