The fog snaked its way slowly up the cabin’s steps urged on by a whispered breeze of beach decay garnished air gliding across the low tide bay. I watched as the mist solemnly drew a dark shroud over the Spit and then slithered toward its terminal intent of cloaking the world from my sight. Trepidation crept down the walls of my soul, salting its essence with the hint of apocalyptic doom.
As if on cue, a somber knell permeated the chamber and I turned to gaze at the old crypt shaped clock as it pronounced the imminent death of the witching hour’s remaining minutes. Precious time for making final amends was hurtling into an infinite abyss. Further procrastination would only lead to inevitable public vilification and humiliation. My psyche was torn with dread and indecision.
“To deduct enable or not to deduct enable?” That was the question.
Why such heart pounding uncertainty? Such thespian bull$#!+?
“The Tax Man cometh every year,” I muttered. “Get a grip, drama man, and file by midnight, end of story.”
I paused, and switched to decaf.
The preceding tale was written by Nick-The-Way-Younger when he first discovered there was such a thing as itemized deductions. Circumstances haven’t changed much. You can still get your sorry @$# scorched for claiming three yap-infected Shitzus as dependents. So, as a community service, the Homer News has gone to great expense to bring you my advice on how to avoid heavy fines and/or time at a federal slammer. If you pay attention and take notes you may be able to evade some pitfalls that could lead to a serious “Depends moment” at an audit.
Do not creatively structure a few weeks of travel in New Zealand into a tax deduction presumably in support of actively seeking gainful employment as an Amway rep. Lay off claiming that the leather-laden, DVD-enhanced Hummer sitting in the front yard is a bait delivery truck while writing off your adjacent junkyard lot and outhouse as a tourist attraction and charter office.
Normally, wuffin’ a pound of pot a month is not a medical expense nor is quaffing a case of Boone’s Farm Apple wine a day for heart disease prevention.
For entrepreneurs, I would not recommend the following as business expenses: Hush money contributed to an indicted politician’s defense fund; therapeutic massages for yourself and clients at Lulu’s Leisure-n-Lingerie House of Relaxation; or any outlay involving growing equipment, greenhouses and distribution costs related to providing the previously mentioned moron with his 30-day bonging requirements (this includes writing off the food and vet bill for your 200-pound demented Rottweiler, “Mutilator,” as a commercial security system).
Do not hire an arsonist to burn down your failing business and then claim his payoff as a “consulting fee.” Such attempts highly annoy tax agents and may lead you to an extended vacation at the government’s expense.
Nor, under normal circumstances, should you throw a sleeping bag and a windup alarm clock into an old smoke shed then depreciate the structure as a recently renovated and vacant rental property. But, believe it or not, it’s supposedly possible to devalue an ostrich (or any other livestock) as long as it’s used for breeding. I’m going to double check on that because, if it’s true, my dog Howard is going to become one contented cur. Come to think of it, my buddy, Wild Willie, was allowed the breeding stock break when he deducted six heifers that he raised back in the late 1990s although he ended up being tossed out the audit office. He became somewhat peeved when the auditor sneeringly inquired, “I presume you are breeding these animals?” W.W. shot back, “Nah, I leave that for the bull.” The poor boy can’t file the short form without getting audited because of the incident.
Finally, let’s look at charitable contributions. First of all it is no longer cool to donate the rusted wreck on blocks that you have been using as a yard planter for the last five years as a transportation vehicle for a meals-on-wheels foundation. Especially if you claim a Blue Book value reflecting tires, windows, upholstery, a transmission, engine and exhaust system. You may only use the amount the charity would realize from selling it, thus, since they’ll never come near the thing much less drag it off, your proffered claim will be sucking major wind.
I know that I’ve barely breached the wall of IRS “don’t even think about it” no-nos, but I’ve got to jet outta here. I’ve got 66,498 pages of code, regulations and IRS rulings to digest by April 17, plus 582 tax forms to review along with the 142 pages of instructions for this year’s Form 1040 alone.
I’m sure that self-proclaimed astute intelligentsia will spot a parapraxis or two in the information that I have just provided but that’s just too bad. I was just trying to help.
I am certain of only one thing. As I do my taxes this year, I’d much rather be deducting the Homer News as a business expense rather than having it the other way around. I feel so used.
Nick C. Varney can be reached at NCVarney@-gmail.com where he will be arguing about his use of “parapraxis” with suspicious readers who always think he’s trying to sneak in something wicked into his columns.
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