At first, I thought that the masses were just suffering from spring dementia and had attended one too many beach keggers, until I saw the truck parked in town. I almost ran off the road. At first glance, I was horrified that my mutt might have a twin. On second glance, I noticed horns and discernible facial features. Howard has neither. The size and hair was close, as was the glassy stare, but dogs don't have hooves. Besides, I had seen numerous living examples of the inert beast while working and traveling through the high north. It was definitely an acutely deceased musk ox that someone had decided to stuff. Why? Who knows, but the sight was enough to blow the spandex shorts off PETA protesters from here to downtown Spenard. I'm sure there must have been an interesting story associated with it but rest assured concerned citizens, Howard still lurks in our basement and is doing just fine as long as he remembers his meds.

Several other e-mails were in reference to the newest addition to our slightly dysfunctional cabinhold, Little Bear.

J.P. of Anchorage wrote, "I have followed the saga of Howard for years now and I think that nutball would have a terrible influence on any self-respecting dog. How could you expose a miniature poodle to a beast such as that?"

That's easy J.P. First of all, Little Bear isn't a miniature poodle, she's a toy (smaller). Toy poodles were originally bred as war dogs by the French who trained the diminutive critters to trip aggressors chasing the army during its traditional retreats. Little Bear can take care of herself.

R.W. of Valdez asked, "Now that Little Bear and Howard have been together for a few months, how are things going? Is Howard jealous? Aren't you afraid that he might just up and eat her like he does the neighborhood cats?"

Not to worry R.W. Even though Howard is classified as being "exceptionally demented" by such authorities as Dr. Phil and the Pet Psychic, he still maintains the basic ability to learn quickly. Several weeks after Little Bear's arrival, Howard became a bit testy and let out a roar at her that sent her cart wheeling, fuzzy butt over ears, into the adjacent yard. This somewhat upset her doggie karma and put her into p.o.'d overdrive. Before Howard could snort his satisfaction, L.B. launched a counter-attack so fast that she left half her hair on the lawn next door. The next thing Howard knew, she shot between his front legs and ended up with her tiny jaws on one of his very special personals. Howard knew that if he even burped, he'd be howling in high soprano next time the full moon rolled around. Needless to say, a truce was reached and now Howard goes everywhere with Little Bear, as long as she stays in front of him.

B.D.H. of Homer asked, "Hey dude, why don't you bring your mutts to the Homer Animal Strut? Maybe Howard could be the Grand Marshall Mutt and Little Bear the Queen Muttette."

I'd love to, but there will be loads of children present. Unfortunately, Howard is the only dog in the world that has been given a "X" rating by the Humane Society. He has the social skills of Dennis Rodman and an appearance that's a quintessential example of why the word "repugnant" was coined. It would be like taking a skunk cabbage to a flower show. Thanks anyway.

Finally, I would like to express my appreciation to all of you who called and expressed your delight in seeing Howard's repeat appearance on the national Alaska Magazine T.V. show last week. Please do me one little favor. Quit mentioning it to him, will ya? He's embarrassing enough as it is, but now, with his ascot, shades and a safari hat, the cur is insufferable.

Nick Varney's ramblings about pet politics, fish-frollicking and other truly Alaskan activities appears twice a month in the Homer News. He and his menagerie can be reached at wufferdawg@hotmail.com