I'm sitting here listening to some smooth jazz out of Detroit while trying out to figure out how to tell you that the king run at The Fishing Hole remains pretty much a finny train wreck. I haven't seen it this bad in more than 20 years, but there is hope if you keep reading.

Every time I think I've nailed down how to nail a chinook when no one else can, somebody comes along and sticks my ego in a very personal orifice. It happened just this last week.

It's really annoying while I'm whacking the water and coming up with zilch when a few of the truly cool keep knocking off the few kings that show up.

I'm not a proud man. If I spot something like that happening I'll sneak up and try to steal their secrets just like every other self-professed fisherstud who's getting skunked daily.

Are you ready?

Try fishing outside the lagoon as the tide rises. Use a plug-cut small herring hanging upside down on a single No. 5 hook about 6 to 8 inches down from your bobber. Yep, that's what I said, 6 to 8 inches. I've always used the same technique but with a 2- to 3-foot lead that has constantly given me lying rights until this year. The family that I watched fill their coolers with the new set-up also had a couple of other secrets that may amaze you.

I'll get to those in a few words but first note that they, and others, also were doing well with the blue No. 5 Vibrax that I've been recommending all along so I'm not a total loser. The herring thing still rocks, but with a tighter wedgie beneath the bobber, OK?

Now, let's talk herring prep. Some of you will scoff and call me names that would embarrass my lineage in dog circles but this is true. Do you eat an occasional tuna sandwich? If so, drain the oil from the can into a bowl and soak your herring in it over night. It implants a scent that seems to drive salmon nuts. Want to upgrade the attraction? Take the advice of a Canadian visitor. He claimed that they were able to put a major slam on their planted land-locked chinooks by dying bait herring green.

The family took his advice and tried using lime Jello mix on a few herring presentations and ended up tearing them up. Fact or fiction, you decide. They checked out of Coal Point with approximately 100 pounds of chinook fillets.

Go figure. All I can say is that my hands are green, my bobber line is short and I've learned to love tuna fish wraps.

Now let's take a look at the area's fishing reports and updates through June 23.

Emergency Orders and

Regulation Reminders:

The Anchor River remains closed to sport fishing through June 30 at 11:59 p.m. to protect king salmon returning to the river.

In addition, the closed area in the adjacent salt waters remains increased to two miles north of the Anchor River and two miles south of Anchor River. The closed salt water area also extends one mile out from the shore.

Fresh Waters: Salmon

The Ninilchik River is closed to fishing; it will reopen on July 1 to fishing for all species except for wild king salmon to department markers located approximately 2 miles upstream.

Deep Creek is closed to fishing and will reopen to fishing for species other than king salmon on July 1 to department markers located approximately 2 miles upstream.

Salt Waters: Halibut

Halibut fishing continues to improve for Lower Cook Inlet anglers. (See related story for the latest standings in the Homer halibut derby.)

I was going to tattle where charters have been getting some real beauties, but I can't mention the near-shore kelp beds because of e-mail threats to kidnap our toy poodle, Little Bear. They've stated that, "Unless you quit mentioning the shallow waters near the North Bluffs and off Port Adams, your mutt is toast." Damn, if they had threatened to do the same thing to my disgusting dog Howard I would have given you the GPS coordinates.

Daily limit is two halibut, possession limit of four. Herring is the preferred bait although there is a rumor going around that sophisticated butts prefer squid on the side.

Salt Waters: Salmon

King salmon trolling success is fair in Lower Cook Inlet and Kachemak Bay and slow north of Bluff Point. Slow? Garden slug track meets have more action.

Popular trolling set-ups include herring, Hootchies, tube flies and basic prayer. Try using dodgers or flashers for something else to amuse yourself.

King salmon fishing at the Nick Dudiak Fishing Lagoon? See above suggestions for anything else other than basic power napping.

The Fishing Lagoon also is currently closed to snagging. This is not inclusive of the bottom. I saw one dude lose three lures in the same spot within 15 minutes. His reel finally malfunctioned out of embarrassment.

King fishing is fair in Seldovia and slow in Halibut Cove.

Successful anglers are using tadpollies (yeah, they exist, Google them) and cured eggs. Cut herring is cool if you have a clue as to what you are doing.

Fishing eggs below a bobber from a stationary boat parked near fish schools works in Halibut Cove Lagoon. I'm not sure what they would suggest if you started to drift. Stay tuned.

Shellfish

The next great clamming tides occur from June 20-27.

Razor clams can be found on the sandy beaches north of Anchor Point to Cohoe Loop.

But beware: The Alaska Department of Environmental Conservation advises sport and subsistence harvesters to be aware of the dangers of paralytic shellfish poison, or PSP.

PSP is a potentially lethal toxin and can lead to fatal respiratory paralysis. The toxin comes from algae, a food source for clams, mussels, crabs and other shellfish.

DEC issued the warning because of seasonal low tides and longer daylight hours, which may spur harvesting.

"Don't eat shellfish from uncertified beaches," says George Scanlan, DEC program specialist. "Anyone who eats PSP contaminated shellfish is at risk for illness or death."

PSP occurs widely in Alaska, and the only beaches DEC can "certify" as safe for shellfish collecting are those where state certified testing of clams and mussels is done regularly. Certified beaches in the Cook Inlet and Kachemak Bay area include: Halibut Cove Lagoon, Jakolof Bay, Kasitsna Bay (McDonald Spit), Tutka Bay, Chugachik Island, Sadie Cove, Polly Creek and Crescent River. Clam Gulch-Anchor Point is not a certified beach.

There are no certified beaches in Kodiak, the Aleutian Islands or populated areas of Southeast Alaska.

The DEC warning does not apply to commercially grown and harvested shellfish available in grocery stores and restaurants. They are tested regularly before going to the market.

All harvesters are cautioned that small butter clams, which are more likely to contain PSP, can be misidentified as littleneck clams. Butter clams have prominent concentric growth rings while littlenecks have rings, which are concentric and intersect at right angles.

You may not return razor clams to the sand once you have removed them -- they are delicate and handling damages them increasing their chances of dying. The fine for returning razor clams that have been dug to the sand is $100. Littleneck (steamer) and butter clams can be found in gravel beaches on the south side of Kachemak Bay from Seldovia to Chugachik Island.

Littlenecks are more often found on the muddier beaches, while butter clams are more often found on the sandier beaches.

OK, enough of clams. If you haven't picked up on the warnings by now I'll love picking your four-wheeler up at the next state auction for confiscated vehicles from the clueless.

Nick C. Varney is a fishing fanatic in search of semi-truthful tales, tips and facts associated with anything that includes bait and a pole. If you have some, he can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com.