Unfortunately, I ended up with nothing more than a terrible urge to put my hair up in rollers before going to bed.
Now pay attention, gentlemen, because I’ve made a list of our shortcomings, according to Opraholics and Dr. Phil zealots. I will not go into detail because some women suggest that we do things to ourselves that would be physically impossible without the proper ropes and pulleys and wouldn’t make the “in good taste” cut for the Jerry Springer Show.
OK, here we go.
1. The first priority yowl is one that has been going on for years. It’s the “toilet seat thing.” Women seem quite obsessed with our lack of consideration in this delicate matter. Guys see this as an equality issue. If they’ll leave it up for us, we’ll gladly leave it down for them.
2. Men are constantly whining things like, “Hey honey, where’d I put my keys?” as though they suspected their mates monitored their every move anyway. The truth is that the ladies will not only point out that they left the damn things next to the beer in the fridge, again, but give them the time and date the transgression occurred.
3. Men have a tendency to toss change, credit cards, etc. all over the dresser no matter how many charming containers are provided for such items. The key inoperative word here is “charming.” They should try an old coffee can with a picture of something the man caught or killed with the exception, of course, the house cat, which he turned into a waffle with a tail by backing over it with his new dually.
4. Men will always eat the last piece of leftovers and stick the Saran-wrapped empty plate back in the refrigerator. I was quite taken aback by this criticism due to the fact that this particular behavioral pattern is a “family safeguard” move and reflects fiscal responsibility. It is our duty to protect our loved ones from harm. Testing that last piece of chicken for salmonella is a heroic gesture.
Don’t women realize men have built up an immunity to such bacterial attack by dutifully taking the last piece of everything for years? The empty plate thing should be a non-issue. Why not reuse it for the next round of leftovers? Men are not being ridiculous about this. There isn’t a bro I know who won’t discard the Saran Wrap once he can’t see through it anymore.
5. Women feel that men constantly make a big deal out of a few “Honey-dos.” You know, “Honey, do this; honey, do that.” They claim that we will spend hours measuring and making tiny pencil marks on the wall to add a shelf. When finished, we crash on the couch acting so exhausted that one would think that we had just finished building the house.
This is not exactly true. What they perceive as feigned exhaustion is actually mental stress and emotional burnout associated with trying to do a perfect job for them. The intensity of the effort is predicated by the thought that she’ll never tell you that it would have looked better three inches to the left and four inches higher. Oh no, for the next five years, she’ll just stop every time she passes the project and let out a little sigh. When queried as to if there’s something wrong with the addition, she’ll just give you that look that says she’s mystified that you can open a door by yourself.
The list goes on. It contains everything from their inability to understand our need to channel surf every game on TV to the improper usage of something called a hamper by using it to stash crushed beer cans while stacking our week-old Jockeys on the lid so she won’t miss them come laundry day.
I remain concerned about this issue and have just finished re-reading the “... Men from Mars” treatise in hopes of gaining more insight this time around.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a nagging desire to put green goop all over my face, let it harden, then tap my bride on the shoulder and ask her if she has seen my pipe. I understand from gentlemen who have had such a similar up close and personal experience, it’s going to be a darn good thing I’ve completed my CPR re-certification.
When he’s not trying to understand the mysteries of life, Nick C. Varney can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com.
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