Nick,
Do you remember writing the following psycho ramble after the state got hit by some so-called 100-year floods several years ago? If so, how do things compare with the $#^+storms we’ve had this August?
“Due to persistent rainfalls that have beluga whales chasing feeder kings through our backyard, I’ve had to moor my boat to a tree top near our sunken garden of raspberry bushes and my dog Howard’s living quarters has morphed into an extremely sleazy houseboat. The delivery personette now ties the newspaper to a buoy where I can retrieve it when I kayak my wife to her car in the morning. Needless to say, the incessant deluge is starting to get on people’s nerves.
“For instance, Wild Willie is on the verge of a stroke because he hasn’t been able to mow his lawn for over three weeks and he’s lost a six pack of pigs, a trio of goats and his hemp-enhanced girlfriend in the overgrowth. The poor guy really wants those porkers and billies back and never stops whining about them.
“Turk, on the other hand, could care less. He told Willie that the beasts would come home when they got hungry and suggested W.W. put a tracking collar on his flaky significant ‘bother.’”
Semi fan,
Craig
Yeah, Semi Reader, I recall grumbling about that inundation but don’t have a copy of it anywhere. My therapist insists that I never look back at what I wrote before my latest line of meds came out, so I’ll just have to trust you. Ya know, kinda like the voters trusted Murkowski.
Anyway, I must admit that the rains have become almost as frustrating as watching our Homer News sports editor trying to pick a winner in a National Football League game last fall. It wasn’t pretty. I predict even more rain and a pile of thoroughly horrendous future picks so things look bleak. But I transgress.
Let’s face it: We’ve been spoiled for the last few years. Usually August has about as many dry days as a baby in a bassinet and the winds bluster enough to make politicians weep with envy. So this month is closer to being the norm rather than the Vegas summer we had two years ago. Remember that? Salmon required sun block just to navigate the dribbling tributaries.
I realize that there must be a happy medium but for now, if it gets any worse, I’ll have to commute to town on a jet ski. Meanwhile, it’s becoming a bit tedious being required to put a PFD (poodle flotation device) on our emergency back-up mini dog, Little Bear, every time she needs to swim to the high ground to do her “delicates.”
She used to ride on the back of my dog Howard to the nearest yard island but not any more. He’s so waterlogged nowadays swimming is no longer an option. His latest lavation strolls are conducted via the aid of snorkel gear and a pilot fish.
Even when the weather clears for a short time, we can’t seem to get a break with the weird goings-on around here. On a recent Sunday I was enjoying a remarkable dawn that actually had a sun associated with it when I noticed movement in the front yard. Closer scrutiny revealed a roaming gang of 23 juvenile pheasants and a tiny birdette that I haven’t seen since I left the Lower 48. It was either a quail or a seriously height challenged cock rooster with a curly top notch.
The diminutive critter strutted around the pack like he was their babysitter and worked them with the dedication of a feathered border collie. He wound up leading the flock down a gully and I haven’t seen the eclectic horde since. Go figure. He’ll probably end up being hawk fodder but for now I’m wondering where he came from. Migration is out of the question. It’s a long walk up here especially with those stumpy legs he was sporting. If anyone out there has a clue, let me know.
I have one another problem to test your vast intellect. The rains have generated a flood of huge honkin’ slugs stampeding around our back 40. The oozing herd is getting on my nerves and my napalm remedy is annoying the neighbors. Any unique suggestions that will annihilate the blobs, short of nuclear options, should be sent to ncvarney@gmail.com.
Nick Varney’s usual, neurotic e-mail contact point remains the same as the one he provided for his disgusting slime creatures problem.
We encourage you to add your comments. To prevent spam, comments with links are manually approved during the normal business day. Please be respectful of others with your comments, bear in mind anyone in the community may be reading your comments.
