OK everybody can chill now, my e-mail box overflowth. I obviously struck a major nerve by mentioning our yard’s plague of mutant slugs and requesting proposals on how to annihilate the goo oozers.

Suggestions ran the gambit from the purely logical to schemes so weird that the authors should immediately seek counsel if they are not already institutionalized. I’ll let you decide.

First of all, I’d like to thank all of you who sent in similar suggestions such as sprinkling salt on them. Placing coarse material around valuable plants. Throwing a couple of gluttonous chickens out in the yard (I really liked that idea since I could fire up the Bar-B once they finished the slug feast). Smearing Vaseline around the rim of flowerpots or other containers. And, of course, beer traps. I reject the last one because there is something just so wrong with wasting beer to waste slugs.

I did try a variation of the sprinkling idea, though. I loaded up a 12-gauge shotgun with rock salt and was having a great time until an irate neighbor called claiming that I had stampeded her pigs and petrified her cat. It didn’t help when I offered to off any slugs that were giving her a hard time, too. Some people just ain’t sociable when their cat’s attached to the living room’s rotating ceiling fan.

Now let’s get on with some of the more quaint or disturbing ideas:

“Scoop up a ton of them and stick them in a blender then paint around the area where they congregate with the slug juice. They don’t like sensing death of their own kind and will flee.” — A.I., Anchorage

Thank you, A.I. Are they treating you well at the special home?

“Get out big clippers and snip them in half or nail them into the ground. If that’s to slow just rake them up and stick them in the microwave. (You’ll need to clean your microwave afterwards).” — J.K., Anchorage

So, J.K. how’s ol’ A.I. as a roommate? I’ll bet it’s a real bummer that they took away all of your sharp play toys. Keep taking the nice pills and maybe they’ll let you hang on to the tin foil hat.

“Learn to love them. Understand that in the eternal cycle of life, in the endless continuum of existence, they are no less significant (or hungry) than you and I, and no less deserving of love. Embrace them. Touch nirvana together.” — L.L.

Hi, L.L. You didn’t mention where you live. You’re from Homer aren’t you? Somewhere way out East End Road where all the righteous grass grows maybe?

“Roll them up in puff pastry, bake at 275 degrees for 15 minutes and serve them as escargot party rolls.” — R.Y.

Well, R.Y., let’s hope you don’t live in Homer.

“Use them in artwork.” — P.H., Homer

Why am I not surprised P.H.? Homerian Slug Mosaics? They’d fit right in around here.

“Pick up and slam them between two bricks or use them for golf practice.” — J.T.S., Seattle

The first proposal is way too labor intensive for the size of the herd of slugs grazing in my back forty, J.T.S., but the golf idea might work if I modified the approach by using a hockey stick. 

“Go live in the high arctic or the desert ya dumb $0&%#^!!!” — K.L.T., Wasilla

Well thank you for your kind suggestions but I’ve already been there and done those. Problem was I still ran into a different breed of slug. Any relation, K.T?

“Apply parasitic nematodes or introduce Testacellid carnivorous slugs.” — G.B., University of Washington

Yeah sure, G.B. I’ll run right down to the local feed-n-seed and pick up a six-pack of the critters. By the way, do you know Michael Armstrong, reporter for the Homer News? He also writes science fiction and would probably like to find out a lot more about those nematodes and Testacellid thingys. He’s strange like that.

“Feed them with bran, it will expand inside them and kill them.” — H.F., Soldotna

This actually intrigues me. I’d go for it if I could spread the stuff around, wait awhile and then watch cool miniature explosions all over the back yard. It would be just as fun as blowing their little butts off with rock salt, cheaper, and save my neighbor’s cat another ride on the ceiling fan.

Come to think of it. I could just wait for that termination dust to get lower and frost those creepies into slingshot ammo.

Nick can be reached at ncvarney @gmail.com if he’s not out dodging PETS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Slugs) protesters.