Like this new software the Betster has been beta testing, the Betstertronic. Well, that’s not what it’s called, but for industrial security purposes the actual product name cannot be used, lest our competitors across the lake catch on.
It works like a charm, even if the actual machine looks like some retro typewriter — an IBM Selectric crossed with the Enigma machine. Type in “weather” and the Betstertronic spits out a great joke like this: “Heya, it’s so cold ya shoulda seen the icicles forming on my nose why it froze so fast it felt like insert reference to popular celebrity marriage breaking up here.”
OK, maybe the machine needs some tweaking. Never fear, though, even if it takes a quad latte or two, by arcane device or pure cerebral sweat, the Betster will come through for you — just like this town comes through week after week with great entertainment options, like these Best Bets:
BEST SHINY MEDALS AND SALUTES BETS: All right, you maggots. You think a piddly little two week cold snap gives you whining rights? Think how tough America’s veterans have had it. Saturday is their day, Veterans Day, of course. The VFW, American Legion and Homer Elks hold a parade and services starting at 11 a.m. at the Homer Emblem Club Veterans Memorial at Pioneer Avenue and Lake Street. Follow the parade or join the end at the Gen. Buckner Memorial at Alaska Islands and Ocean Visitor Center for another ceremony.
BEST HOT ICE BET: The Mariners could take on all comers on Beluga Lake like in one of those Hollywood sports movies. Nah, now that we have a great rink, it’s the Homer Ice Facility for our hockey team. Tonight at 7 cheer on the Mariners as they go up against Juneau for the End of the Road Shootout. The shootout continues at 7 p.m. Friday and 2 p.m. Saturday.
BEST CHEAP CAR BET: A new Ford for $100? Such a deal — but only if you’re the last ticket holder standing at 4 p.m. today when the Homer Chamber of Commerce holds its annual car raffle drawing. The last ticket drawn wins a new car or $15,000 cash. Share the drama at the chamber on the Sterling Highway.
BEST FILL ‘ER UP: With that new car, you’ll have to think about how to run it — or heat your house or make power. What does the future hold for the Kenai Peninsula’s energy needs? Join “Fueling our Future,” a discussion from 7-9 p.m. today at the Alaska Islands and Ocean Visitor Center.
BEST 2 CORNY 4 U BET: Homer is the International Corn Dog Center. You knew that, right? So it makes sense to hold a Corn Dog Festival celebrating that staple of fair food. Elders on Fire burns down the house starting at 10 p.m. Friday at the Alibi.
BEST LARGE PIX, LARGE LAND BET: A 23-inch-by-84-inch photograph is what you call large-format photography. It takes big pix to capture the big conservation easement and land donations given to Kachemak Heritage Land Trust. Opening from 6-9 p.m. Friday at the Pratt Museum is “For the Love of the Land,” an exhibit honoring those contributions.
It takes a wacky genius to come up with lame puns, fun commentary on the weather and obscure Latin quotes. Even the Betster nods, though. Fortunately, being part of a international multi-media corporation has its advantages. Those ever-helpful folks at tech support in Augusta go to all the big computer industry tradeshows and pass on the goodies to us.
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