The Terrible Tale of Jeremy Porkins

By Oliver Beck

This is a tale of a young boy named Jeremy Porkins. He lived in the center of Connecticut.  Jeremy was addicted to his video games; it was if his eyes were glued to his monitor. All of his friends told him to" get a life" or" go outside".  To make a long story short, he never listened. All he ever did was play his games. He was obese and had a very bad mood swings. His mom never did care. She worked at a fast food restaurant.  The food she brought home from work led to many of his problems. So now that you now about him let's get on with the story.

            One night his mom came home and found him asleep in the living room with the TV on. The TV was making faint beeping noises. Jeremy sat there with his game controller in one hand, a bag of pork rinds in the other and 30 ounces worth of coke in a cup balanced on his stomach, and another 30 ounces worth of coke stained on his shirt. "JEREMY!" his mother called.  He looked up as if though he had just noticed her. I want a cheeseburger! He yelled back (let me remind you he has very bad mood swings.)  He was accustomed to hollering at his mom for waking him up if there wasn't bag of French fries, hamburger, cheeseburger or a 30 ounce diet coke ready for him. I'll get you a cheeseburger if you get up" said his mom. He struggled to get up out of his chair, but quickly gave up as soon he heard the comforting sound of French fries being dropped into the deep fat fryer. You're finally a use to me, as he resumed playing his video game. 

Meanwhile in the kitchen....

Jeremy's mom was cooking fries for dinner as usual when the splattering grease caught the east wall of the kitchen on fire. His mom yelled FIRE! FIRE! He thought his mom was giving him a piece of advice on his video game to keep shooting his ray gun. And that is exactly what he did. He just kept on hitting the fire button on the controller until the green rays were like a blur to a naked eye.

Suddenly he smelled smoke and the TV shorted out. Then he realized there was a major problem. His TV never, ever had shorted out before. He looked around and stared in horror as the red hot tongues of fire engulfed his house. He desperately started screaming for help at the top of his lungs. By then his mom had already called 911. 

The firemen heard his screams for help and sent a search party in for him. They found him molded to a fake leather chair. Getting him out of his chair was the hardest thing the Connecticut fire department ever had to do to this day. He was a 373 pound weight to be carried out of the living room, through the burning kitchen and outside to safety. They started to roll him on his side to the burning door. They had to chop the door opening wider because it was to small.  He was lucky and got out with only one minor burn and a cut. When he got out he started crying because of all the things he lost in the fire. His plasma 70 inch TV, his Xbox and 48 boxes of Twinkies.

With no home or possessions left, Jeremy Porkins and his mother were taken to a shelter.  While at the shelter he met a kid a year younger than him named Nick Sparks. He was energetic kid for his age told Jeremy that when he loses some pounds (a lot of pounds to be exact) he would be a superior football player. His body was made for football. His pudgy hands were strong from holding the controller so firmly. If he got the ball his bulk would allow him to plow through the all the people who try to stop him. All those year hunched over the TV, made him an unmovable force when he when crouched on the front line. If some one tried to go past him they would immediately regret it for they would just bounce back a few yards.  With many years of hard practice Jeremy turned all the physical challenges created by years of playing video games into assets on the football field.

Jeremy and Nick eventually landed jobs with the New England Patriots football team.  Jeremy as a linebacker and Nick as a running back. They led the Patriots to the Super Bowl six times. Three times they won. They are now retired as celebrities.

As for Jeremy's mom, she realized what she had done wrong and opened a Health Food store. She invented a super healthy drink called Carrot Berry Blast.  She became a millionaire within two years of the invention of the Carrot Berry Blast. I want to end this happily. But I have to say what I'm about to type is probably the cheesiest part of the story.

                                        They all lived happily ever after.